Jamaica Ventures

Although her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, his wife stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat
on the bed beside him he said,

‘ Yu know yu’ deh wid mi through all the bad times.

When mi went bankrupt and lost mi business, yu stood by mi side.

When mi get shot, yu deh by mi side.

When wi lost the house, yu was dere .

When mi car crash an mi bruk up yu was dere

When mi health started to fail, yu was dere, and when a start to get worse,
yu was dere…right by mi side…
Every time sumpn’ bad happen to me yu is right dere….

Yu know something?….

Yu know sey it look like yu a crosses?’

Nursery Rhymes - Jamaican Style
Mary had a likkle lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes down quite a treat,
with rice and hard dough bread .

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair.
Said Simple Simon to de Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said de Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All de kings horses and all de kings men,
said ” cha , ‘im, only a egg.”

Jack and Jill
Went up de hill
to have a likkle fun.
Idyat Jill forget she pill
and now them have a son.

Photocrank wignet has being installed on this site.

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I have just launched a news and information site using pligg. This allows easy registration and posting of news and commentary information by everyone. It can be found at pligg.jamaicaventures.com .  

Yesterday was Rudeboy’s birthday and in true Rudeboy fashion we had a Rudeboy birthday bash. This was like a second bachelor party. I met with the members of the nerd crew at Midway Invader Strip club at around 10:00 PM and the party lasted until around 11:30 PM. There is nothing better than hot chicks served with a glass of Hennessy. What a party it was.

We are currently updating the site. Please stay tuned.

I the RudeBoy must take a trek to check out the new mobile strip clubs in Jamaica. However, I believe it should be regulated and these buses should carry only people over the age of eighteen. Imagine in Canada they are charging $20 per lap dance while you can have hours for the cost of a bus fare. The problem I see with this lapping thing is if the conductor assign you a Mampie(fat woman). Check the story out in the Jamaica Observer(link…).

Polite way to Pee
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying  to teach good manners, asked her students the  following question:

 ”Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

 Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”

The teacher  responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite.
What about you  Peter, how would you say it?”

Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need  to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

 ”That’s better, but it’s  still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you,  little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good  manners?”

 ”I would say: 

“Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?  I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get  to meet after dinner.”

The teacher fainted…….

Quote: “Life is a Gamble and I the Rudeboy will always be gambling”:Rudeboy June 13,2002 at the bar below Cactus playing dominoes with notables such as Digital Sex, Perro and Gurru for Beers.

I the Rudeboy have recently being playing dominoes for $2 per hand to occupy my time in the evenings. The best part of the deal
is that there is one novice in the group loaded with cash who loves the game. Yesterday I picked off $80 from them in the space
of 45 minutes. The joke about the whole thing is that we are playing at a friends office in an office complex. The other people
in the building must be wondering how he is generating so much business, given the volume of idlers that is turning up to play
in the afternoon.

A few months after his parents were divorced, Big Boy passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Big Boy ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

I the Rudeboy can’t believe what is taking place. They are dropping Beenie man from a lot of stage shows(see article). To me that is like dropping “The original no teeth, gold teeth, gun pon teeth Don Gorgon Ninja man” from Sting. Now is time for Beenie to step up the pace and put on a show featuring D’Angel. If this don’t work Beenie should take D’Angel to put on a show bhy club Gemini before she becomes an OLD FOOT. Anyhow, I the Rudeboy must say this could signal a rise or fall of the original Beenier man. I the Rudeboy must say that after Beenie disrecpected Bounty the fiasco began. Anyhow check out this fine chick

A camper was out on hike when he saw a bear. When he started running the bear ran too. Finally he came to a cliff. He decided to kneel down and pray and when he did, so did the bear. “God is answering my prayer”, the man thought. Then the bear said “Bless us oh lord, for these thy gift’s which we are about to receive from our bounty…”

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster–one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: “I have just the rooster for you. Spike here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!” So the farmer took Spike back to the farm.
Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Spike a little pep talk: “Spike,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Spike strutted into the henhouse. Spike was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Spike had finished having his way with each hen.
But Spike didn’t stop there. Spike went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, “Stop, Spike!! You’ll kill yourself!!”

But Spike continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Spike lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Spike.

The farmer walked up to Spike saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.”

“Shhhhhhh,” Spike whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer.”

Good news, the use of herb(marijuana) might be legalised in Jamaican Prisons(see article). I the Rudeboy hope this positive step will receive endorsement and will eventually lead to a full scale legalization.Let us all light up one spliff in favour of this legislation.

A Jamaican man went into a local varity store. After about 5 minutes and he came out, and saw a cop writing a parking ticket …

He went to him and said: “Come on Brethren, how about giving a blie?”

The cop ignored him and continued writing the ticket.

The Jamaican then called him a PIG. The cop then glared at him and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

The Jamaican then started calling him a BEAST, DONUT belly,BABYLON,BALD HEAD etc. The cop then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes … the more the Jamaican abused and hurled insults at the cop, the more tickets he wrote …
After the cop drove off the Jamaican walked over to the next parking lot where his car was parked…

It  is always a tradegy when someone die, however, moreso a hot chick with no brains. Though many of you will disagree with I the Rudeboy that Anna was hot, I will say that hotness is in the eyes of the beholder. To all you ugly chicks reading this post I the RudeBoy will once again say that there are people out there who will find you hot,however, being classed as ugly is due only to the fact that very few people will.

Therefore, let us all mourn this tradegy since Anna will always hold a special place in our hearts.

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, “Using every applicable thing you’ve learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST.” So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn’t exist, except for a Jamaican student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers. Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades … and to the amazment of the class, the Jamaican student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class. His answer to the question: “What chair?”

A Jamaican man comes home from a tough day of work looking to chill. After a relaxing dinner with his sweetheart, they went to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to sleep. The man called over to his sweetheart, “Babes u want come rest with I.” So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the boyfriend. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The boyfriend with a concerned look on his face says, “Oh, did my little pumpkin fall on her sweet little ass?” The woman gets up and enters the man’s bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The Jamaican man looks over his shoulder at his sweetheart lying on the floor and says, “Clumsy idiot.”

Prime Minister Portia Simpson looks up from her desk in the Prime Minister’s Office to see Minister Phillips nervously approach her. “What is it?” she asked.

“It’s the new crime Bill, Miss. Prime Minister - what do you want to do about it?”

“Just go ahead and pay it.”

Phone Call

Tony Blair, Robert Mugabe & PJ Patterson all died &
went straight to hell. Tony Blair said “I miss
England, I want to call England and see how everybody
is doing there. He called and talked for about 5
minutes, then he asked “Well ,devil how much do I owe
you for the call???? The devil says “10 million
dollars.” He wrote him a cheque and went to sit back
on his chair.

Robert Mugabe was so jealous, he starts screaming, “My
turn! I wanna call the Zimbabwe, I want to see how
everybody is doing there too!” He called and talked
for about 2 minutes, then he asked “Well, devil how
much do I owe you???? The devil says “5 million
dollars.” With a smug look on his face, he made a
cheque and went to sit back on his chair.

PJ Patterson was  even more jealous & starts screaming,
“Mi haffi kall a yard too. Mi waan link to Peter,
Omar, to Portia, han eerybody” He called Jamaica and
he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked &
talked, then he asked “Well, devil how much I owe
you???? The devil says “One dollar”. PJ is stunned &
says “One dollar??? Only one dollar??” The devil says
“Well if you make a call from one hell to another, you
only pay local charges.”

The Dread

Some Jamaican Brethrens were chilling one day discussing the dreads from Negril, when one of then said “99% of the dreads down here s**k p**sy”. On hearing this a dread passing by said “Yow Bwoy yu betta know seh me in the other 1%”. The bald head brethren then continued his statement saying “and the other 1% f*** b**** “. The dread then said “Brethren a beg yu squeeze me back in the 99%”.

Seaga the Breeda

The former President of the JLP and former Priminister of Jamaica, Edward Seaga AKA Breeda, got married to a hot young chick when he turned 78. It was decided that since Jamaica has a predominantly black population, he would give the child an African name. The name he finally decided on was AWOOFA(A Who Fa).

Lost in Africa
A Jamaican man and American man got lost in the jungle of Africa. A Tribe of bushmen got hold of them and gave them two choices, Unga Munga or death. The American chose Unga Munga. After realising that unga munga was a homosexual act the Jamaican shouted death, death, death, give me death. The chief then shouted - Death by Unga Munga.

Jah will save I

A small village some miles away experienced heavy rains. A rastafarian’s home
was flooded out. On the roof the rastafarian prayed to Jah to save him. Feeling
sure that his prayer would be answered he waited patiently. After a few minutes
some men came in a boat and asked him if he needed help. To this he replied:
“Jah will save I and I.” So the boat left. A few minutes passed then a plane came
to aid the dread followed by a helicopter, and each time the Ras replied:
“Jah will save di I.”

Alas, the Ras drowned. When he was resurrected and met Jah in heaven he asked:
“Jah, why yuh mek mi drown? You never hear mi prayer?”

“Of course mi hear, dat is why mi send boat, plane and helicopter fi yuh.”